22.1.12

How to give gifts like an Israeli

If you're at an Israeli wedding, don't look for a gift table... look for one of these.


In the US, gift-giving is something to agonize over. I'm pretty sure that half of the letters Dear Abby receives have to do with either how to ask for gifts in a non-tacky way, how to choose gifts in a non-tacky way, and how incredibly tacky it is when gifts are not properly recognized with thank-you notes in a non-tacky way.

Israelis, on the other hand, have no qualms about being tacky-- see, for example,  the Israeli Wedding Dress.  At the same time, Israelis definitely have social norms about how gifts should be given, though these social norms would make Dear Abby stuff her keyboard in her mouth.

First, gifts should always come with a gift receipt. ALWAYS. In the US, I think this is considered fairly optional and possibly tacky, but in Israel, a gift without a gift receipt is like hummus without pita. If you get a gift without a gift receipt in Israel-- especially one of candles and soap-- you can be pretty sure it was re-gifted. On the other hand, "registries" seem to be an unfamiliar concept here in Israel, so I guess gift receipts are really just a way to pick out your own gifts after the fact.

Second, gifts have a proper time and place. When your Israeli friend has a baby, do NOT throw her a surprise baby shower before the baby is born. Before the baby is born, its potential existence should only be noted with lots of spitting and references to the evil eye and "good hours." Most Israelis I know literally do not allow any baby furniture into their house until the baby has been safely delivered into a hospital bassinet-- they order what they want in advance and have it delivered during the mother's hospital stay. (Confession: we set up our crib and painted a mural on Nitsah's nursery wall months in advance. Tfu tfu tfu bli ayin hara!.) If you want to give a baby gift to an Israeli woman, bring it to the hospital or to her house in the weeks after the baby is born... with a gift receipt.

By the way, one proper time and place for a gift, according to Israelis, is when you get invited to someone's house for a holiday meal. We're not talking a bottle of wine... we're talking an expensive ceramic platter, a nice vase, a huge gift basket, a potted olive tree. All kinds of gift items go on sale around Passover and Rosh HaShana because Israelis are buying gifts for their holiday hosts. When I invited a huge crowd over for Thanksgiving this year, I got a hostess gift from every Israeli guest and few of the Americans, so this is why you should always make sure you have lots of Israeli guests. :)

Third, if you're going to an "eruah" (an event like a wedding, bar mitzvah, or brit), do NOT bring a gift-- just bring a checkbook. While Americans agonize over how to hint to their guests that, um, gifts of money would be great, thank you, Israeli event halls literally come with envelopes and lock boxes in which guests can deposit checks. In fact, there's a whole calculus involved in figuring out how much to give, based on your proximity to the wedding party and the cost of the event. If you throw an Israeli event, you can actually count on earning money off of the whole thing, which could explain the development of the "britta"-- not a water filter, but a brit for a girl, without any actual female circumcision involved.

Finally-- and this is where Dear Abby really loses it--thank you notes do not seem to be part of the Israeli event-gift-giving social norms. Either that or I have rude friends. ;) So, um, if you are one of the people who received a very late thank you note from me after my wedding seven years ago, maybe I was channeling my Israeli side early?


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I have a guest post today up on A Mother in Israel, telling a story more serious than the ones I usually post on this blog. I also wrote a post about baby poop for the parenting blog Offbeat Mama-- read at your own risk. :)

16 comments:

  1. LOVE THIS!! Emily Cohen from Israeli Parents Blog :)

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  2. You're making me more and more Israeli. Thank you! I need it. :-)

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  3. My wife(who is Israeli, but considers herself more of an American) told me once that this is done to pay off the hall, food, entertainment, etc. Both of us do not have steady jobs and thus not a lot of money. We do not use checks, just cash. So we give an apporiate gift. My mother in law claims this is why we do not get invited to many events and is so much ashamed that we give a gift...writes a check which includes an amount for both me and my wife. We really do not like this. My wife tells me that this concept of money at an event is fairly new and was not around when she grew up. She thinks that most Israeli's now are just materialistic and love money and it makes her very sad.

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    1. One other point...my older brother in law got
      remarried and his first exwife taking umbrage at this and feeling she was getting enough alimony actually had her attorney come to the wedding and take the money from the vault or whatever they call it. So, gifts are easier in the long run.

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    2. oops it should read..."not getting enough alimony"

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    3. If you don't get invited to many eruahs, consider that a blessing!! Those events get expensive... to attend, not to throw. :-p

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  4. In a way it is a blessing because one does have to deal with family politics and high weirdness...at least for me. For my wife, who has a big family and wants to remain connected it is important for her. But I feel that one should be invited because they want you to share in their happiness and not because a person has a fat wallet. Even if we hold money, I would still give a gift...I do not need and I think others do not need to help pay a bill that they incurred. If people want to do that...they can help me pay my bills. Let's be truly altruistic.

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  5. How true - I've been here for over thirty years and still find some of the gift giving "etiquette" a bit confusing. Loved the post and will look foward to seeing more

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  6. I love this but I will have to disagree on some of it. While it's still traditional to give money for an "eruah", with the influx of so many non-American anglos, physical presents are becoming more and more popular. Plus, no one has money anymore. The cost of living is far too expensive, so a lot of Israelis (not olim) are opting to give gifts. Baby showers are even becoming popular here for Israelis (they're already popular for Olim) - mostly the secular Israelis though.

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  7. great post - welcome back! What's your take on home-made gifts... like homemade vanilla, cakes, baby blankets, decorated cutlery etc. Are those scoffed at?

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    1. I love to make and give homemade gifts, which are quite possibly scoffed at. :) I do know Israelis who receive homemade baby blankets, though, so it isn't unheard of!

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  8. By the way-- does anyone know why the font for comments looks so weird right now?

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  9. Nice to see your whole post on Janglo!

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  10. So nice to have you back! Great post as always - why are you always so much better at saying what I think?

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  11. Nice to see you blogging again :)

    It seems to me that money in lieu of gifts is more popular with secular Israelis - in religious weddings, gifts are more common.

    Also, while there are aspects I don't like about giving money (especially the calculations you get into about "how much did they give at our wedding?"), it is a lot more convenient both from the viewpoint of the giver (especially for me, since I've always hated picking out gifts) and from the POV of the receiver (no trekking between 10 diferrent stores to exchange stuff you don't wan't/need)

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  12. A good Israeli friend of mine is getting married, and I would like to give the couple something. But as a Goy I am not familiarized with the etiquette. If I send some money, how much? What about donating some money? Like JNF and "get" som trees in their name or some other organization? I need help ;)

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